Kali on my mind

kali_lwaIn just a little over a year three people that I knew well took their lives. I don’t know what that says about the kind of people that I associate with, but I believe this is something that happens more often than people want to admit. Two of these people used firearms to end their lives, one hung himself. These deaths have made quite an impression on me, and to be honest I am taken aback by it. I’ve known others that have died in the last ten years, I lost two grandmothers, one young cousin, and a dear, dear friend, and though I felt grief I was able to move on. Not that losing those loved ones hasn’t left a lasting sadness in me when I remember them, I mourn not having had a chance to say goodbye. But the suicides have left me shattered with sadness and confusion. The idea that their last moments in life were so intolerable, to desire the void so much so…  That is what haunts me. My heart shrinks to think of their suffering. In my mind their is a constant No! No! No! at the thought them ending their lives so violently. And the suffering and trauma left on those that had to find them, or that witnessed it, like in the case of a young man I know who shot himself in the deck of his house while his wife and kid were in the living room watching TV. It makes no sense to me. One of my oldest friends took her life one early morning in her living room while her boyfriend and room mates slept. She could no longer live with her demons. Demons that she kept well fed with alcohol, hard drugs and dysfunctional relationships. And then the thought! I never thought… The young man who hung himself was a friend of my daughter’s, just a teenager with the world before him. Everything in town reminds me of him because he was always walking around, to get to the shopping center, or the Starbucks. It hurts. But it hurts more to think of his parents, who struggled to be there for him but ultimately lost. It’s too much. I don’t know why I’m sharing this except that I needed to put these feelings somewhere outside of myself. I’ve been containing them for a while and I just can’t anymore. I had Kali on my mind today.

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